Anonymous Entry (2)

‘Health and food is something that I didn’t realise I’d been struggling with until recently, and this discovery has completely changed my outlook on self care and health. I feel like this needs a t/w because while all other posts submitted seem to be about recovering, this is about dealing the best you can with something that is still happening.

I think it’s so common for body image issues to start for people in their teen years. At the age of 16 I had somebody who should have been looking after me tell me that I needed to loose weight and putting me on a diet. However, at this age I was also going through the mental health system for issues with anxiety and depression. Any self doubt or worthlessness I felt was attributed to this.

It wasn’t until these things started to fall away with the aid of treatment that I was left with the realisation that there was something more going on. Everything else was so much better, but I still didn’t feel like everyone else. I still couldn’t look at myself in mirrors or photographs. I still felt like I wasn’t as good as my peers. I still had the memory of that one caregiver telling me to watch what I ate in my mind.

I do an extremely demanding degree, and I think this is what made it so much worse. I’m constantly analysing and overthinking, because I need to be in that area of my life. The byproduct of this, however, is that my brain never turns off. I can tell you the exact number of calories in most servings of food. I can tell you the number of calories burned on my walk home every day. I feel such a demand to achieve and be perfect and the feeling of not being as good as my peers seems to originate with self image and, ultimately, food still falls into that for me.

However, that last sentence shows progress. I’ve realised that this is an issue and this has lead to me doing a complete 360 on my attitude towards health. I think that for me, health means slowing down my mind. I meditate, practice mindfulness and Taoism, carry soothing stones in my pockets, drink enough water and get enough sleep. As 2018 ticks along and I make sure I’m doing these things, the invasive thoughts are lifting.

The overall thing, I think, is realising that it’s ok if your brain is unhealthy as long as you recognise that and move towards improving it to the best of your abilities. That’s easier said than done, but we all deserve to be happy.’