Harriet
I’ve never been very shy about hiding my emotions; it is a common joke in our family that when I was born I didn’t make a sound, I didn’t even cry but I’ve been making up for it ever since. I quite clearly wear my heart on my sleeve. Generally there are only two rules in our house; don’t bottle anything up, and hugs are for free (something my mum always says). I think it is because of this that I feel so comfortable expressing myself, whether that be talking (or shouting) when I’m angry, or crying (sobbing) when I’m upset.
Being a twin sister and therefore being with someone almost 24/7, I do find myself getting slightly nervous or anxious when we’re not together and I am alone in a social situation. It isn’t until I’m in that situation do I realise quite how dependent I am upon my sister. It felt almost like the end of the world when we received our A level results and realised we would be going to different universities for three years, however, now that we’ve both graduated and live together once again I realise how much it benefited the both of us. We spoke every day, and saw each other almost every two weeks, so in some ways it wasn’t like we were massively separated but it was still an adjustment when I first moved. Yet, it enabled us to form our own social groups, and to become more individual with our own identities separate from one another. A lot of people who know my sister, know me, that’s just the way it is, though that changed when we went to university. My friends on my course, people I met in halls and through other social circles only ever knew me and at first I remember finding that quite strange, I noticed myself mentioning that I had a twin and bringing that up quite a lot. It felt odd to be so distant from her and separated from her in that way but in the end it did work out for the best and I think she would agree. Our identities are no longer intrinsically linked because we’re twins, we are also separate individuals with more pronounced differences.
It wasn’t just being away from home that I struggled with whilst at university but also with my appearance. Some of the people I met cared about their appearance, the time they spent at the gym, the make-up they wore, how much they weighed and when I first started at university I wasn’t particularly concerned with those things. However, being in a place with people who I considered to be a lot more attractive than me I felt suddenly insecure. It never put me in a position where I wanted to completely change my habits but it did implore me to start some small changes; I joined the gym, for fitness and also socially as a lot of my friends went together, and I started being more conscientious about what I ate, becoming a pescatarian whilst at university as well.
As I got older, the more time I spent at university, I started coming to the realisation that I didn’t want to care so much about the way I looked. This feeling only intensified when I left university and went travelling; I started feeling more comfortable in myself and the way I looked and that’s the way I want to keep feeling now that I’m home. I never used to like my stomach, or my thighs, or my chin but now it doesn’t bother me so much. All of my friends are gorgeous in their own different way and I realised that I am too. I still get the odd days when I feel down about myself and wish I could change the way I look but that feeling passes because I know it is useless wishing for that. I look the way I look and exercise because I want to stay fit and healthy; I used to get out of breath walking upstairs and I don’t want it to go back to being like that. I have a good relationship with food and know what works for me and my body (especially since I started suffering with IBS).
University allowed me to become more comfortable in who I was without my sister but also meant I started feeling insecure about my looks. I think that’s what some people suffer with at university; comparing themselves to others. However, comparison is not only unhealthy but also futile and once I realised that I find myself much happier with the way I looked, and I still am.