Danielle

I don't know where to start with this. Does it begin with describing the vision I experienced from my psychosis 15 years ago, do I go back as far of having an abusive childminder at the age of 3, do I talk about heavy drinking from the age of 13? Or the violent teenage relationship? The abortion at 14 and the one at 25? The teenage self harm? The sexual dependence? The four, still fairly unknown, suicide attempts in my early 20s? The time I was raped, beaten, held captive? The countless blackouts and unwanted bodily invasions? Not being believed when daring to confess the truth to friends and family? The endless punishment I put myself under or by far the worst in my mind the times I forced myself on someone else?

Yeah. Boom. God. That's a lot to take in. Reading this you might have made some assumptions about my life, what's missing from the narrative is the flip side, the side that is seemingly a juxtaposition to the one above, the one that I assure you is just as valid. This narrative tells of the unlimited, unconditional love that I found, the beautiful friendships, endless hilarious stories, outstanding achievements in my work, the power of finding forgiveness, the momentous moments I have shared, running a half marathon, becoming a sister, a godmother, the lives I have helped rebuild, reshape, for the better, the strength to accept myself, the courage to change and the dignity in living as completely, honestly and as wholeheartedly as I possibly can.

The events have been horrific, difficult to comprehend and have taken a lifetime to unpick, I am 36 years on the planet and the knots still surprise me. There is a part of me that wants to defend my actions, give more context, beg you, the unknown and more importantly the known reader, for understanding and forgiveness. This part of me diminishes each day as I learn to transform each of these experiences, into something positive, to apply wisdom in my actions moment to moment. The funny thing is that the more I cast these demons and goblins out into the light the less and less scary they become, yes I have a lot of money I owe right now, yes I have committed dreadful acts, yes dreadful acts have been committed against me, yes I find it hard to commit to things, yes I do worry that I am a psychopath, an egomaniac, a bore, a lunatic, yes sometimes I don't feel good enough, yes sometimes I doubt if my relationship will last, if I am trustworthy enough, funny enough, easygoing enough. I worry that I won't love my children enough if I'm fortunate enough to have them.

Yes me and every other human being I've ever spoken to.

The details are different in each of us, the context, the narrative. I hope for your sake your experiences haven't been as turbulent, for some it won't be for others this will read like a relatively light fairytale. We all share the same set of human emotions and have experienced them all at one stage or another. There is no 'them' only us. Everyday I and millions of others wish for your safety, your peace, your happiness and your freedom from suffering, we might do it in different ways but nonetheless the love is there.

Well this all sounds so bloody ernest that you might wonder if there's any room for rascillion fun in all of this and I guess in answer to that I hope you enjoy this picture of a knob I have drawn.