Hari

‘I’ve never written a blog post before, so the tone and structure of this might be all over the place but hey ho here we go.

So going through a very brief history of me… At school, I struggled quite a lot. What with all the social hierarchies, hormonal roller-coasters, foundational insecurities, I didn’t do too well. I spent a fair amount of my teenage years fundamentally lonely, spending many an hour doing nothing but indulging in self-pity, self-hatred, anxious spirals and deep unhappiness. I will admit, it got unhealthily bad, not just sporadically but for extended periods at a time. However, I didn’t ever seek help, even from friends and family, thinking it a weakness that would be mocked, a burden that would be unwillingly shared. So I just sat on it and let it seep over my being.

Uni was (and is) eye-opening for me. I’ve been lucky enough to meet some absolutely amazing people, spend time doing ridiculous and memorable things, and for the want of a better cliche, ‘find myself’. I was also lucky enough to spend many a summer doing a job with some of the most unbelievable people I have ever met, teaching me things about morality, compassion, self-love, life-appreciation and general positive-humanness that I have never encountered before. If you ever get the chance to live in a community like this, my God please do it!! My mentality changed, my outlook brightened and my belief in my own existence soared.

THEN came the giant life-slap. So I had this kinda feeling (very easy to look back on) that I had life pretty well sorted. At 20 years old. I thought I’d discovered the true meaning of what it meant to be alive, that I could achieve anything and everything I wanted, that basically all decisions I made were fundamentally good ones. A couple of bad decisions, extremely tricky experiences, relationships reaching boiling point and achievements not being achieved later, I was in a bit of a different place. On the onset of some symptoms of anxiety, and many Student Health excursions, I made myself stop. And after a while I came to realise something…

I didn’t know everything. I had problems. I wasn’t perfect. And that’s probably the best realisation I’ve had about myself. It’s so easy to get caught up in being successful, being right, being funny, being good company, being smart, being good-looking, being fit, being this… being that…, that it’s hard to forget that just by BEING, just by existing the way that you are, is already infinitely ridiculous, outrageous and beautiful. I don’t always know the best thing to say in social situations. I often look like I’ve just walked out of a cave I’ve been living in for 70 years cos I thought WW2 was still happening. I regularly feel overwhelmed, out of my depth and struggle to keep up with everyday life. And I think that’s all pretty human.

I’ve learnt a couple of things as a result of my experiences so far. I now know that those around me want and know how to help. I’ve often felt before that no-one would ever be able to understand what I’m going through, so any support they offer will be empty. But a quote from a friend showed me why I was wrong: “I may not completely understand what’s going on, but I understand enough to help.”

I’ve learnt to not focus on every detail of what I experience, but to interpret and understand my experiences from a position of learning. Last summer, I worked with someone who was much older than me. On the last day of us working together, I heard her telling a number of people my age ‘you are a great person, and you have so many qualities that I want to learn from to make me better as a person.’ And I see nothing more admirable than that life philosophy. Now, the only serious aim that I have for myself is to always try and get and be better. It doesn’t mean that I always will be better. It doesn’t mean that I’ll do everything right. It doesn’t mean that I won’t struggle. But if I can be on my deathbed (hopefully in my early 120s) and feel like I never gave up trying to better myself, I’ll be happy. Anything else that happens on the way will be a side-note.’