Bec

'I remember sitting in the shower, letting the water wash over me being unable to think of anything but thinking of everything at the same time. I would sob until there were no more tears and I wouldn’t even know why. I was living in a fog, surrounded by people but I felt so alone.

I guess to understand my story, I would have to start at what I thought would be the worst point in my life – the end of secondary school. A series of naïve choices left me feeling isolated, worthless and with crippling anxiety. I had spent those important teenage years trying to be something I wasn’t and someone everyone would like. It all backfired just before the start of my GCSEs; this make-believe personality I had created crumbled around me. I had no self-worth and I was incredibly vulnerable.

The first day at sixth form was a chance at a new start for me, I was doing a course that suited me with a great bunch of people. A few weeks after the Christmas break and I had a small solid group of friends and I started seeing someone. The seeing someone quickly turned into a relationship and I was happy – this wasn’t to last. The relationship quickly turned toxic, he began to chip away at my self-esteem, self-worth and began to change me – this did more damage than I though was possible.

In September 2011 I went to uni. In hindsight, I wish I had taken a year out to travel and discover more of what the world had to offer, I feel like if I had done this, I would have been on the path to recovery much, much sooner. I began to experience depressive episodes during my first year of Uni, I finally had the chance at a fresh start with entirely new people, but all my mind kept saying was “you’re not good enough to be here”. I began to miss days at Uni, unable to get out of bed, get dressed or even eat some days and when I would eat, it would be junk food and sweets. This continued throughout my entire three years until I graduated.

During my second year at uni the intensity of the course picked up, I was juggling working all weekend, travelling to Leicester in the week and turning in projects left right and centre all while trying to keep my toxic relationship together. I feel there is a big gap in student mental health care, especially for those who live at home and travel a distance to attend, which doctors do they see? You can’t register at the uni practice, but you don’t get home in time for the local one? I woke up one morning thinking, “what the hell am I doing to myself” – that was the morning I packed up my stuff and left the relationship behind, still to this day one of the hardest and bravest things I have ever had to do. It's amazing how one brave moment can impact your entire life – I was free.

After the break-up I spent the summer enjoying myself, going out (which I was never allowed to do), and spending money on clothes and new makeup – another thing which was under his control. However this feeling of freedom didn’t last long as I quickly realised how alone I was and before I knew it I was back to square one. My choice to stay with this person has isolated me to a point I felt I had no one. After years of avoiding the inevitable, I finally went to see my GP and explained my symptoms. There is a fundamental flaw in the understanding of mental health - it cannot be fixed by simply taking a tablet. There is always a reason for someone’s depression or anxiety and there is always a way you can learn to cope. After several unsuccessful trips to the GPs office, one GP actually said “it might be time to accept this is just apart of your personality” – I thought I was going crazy. No one understood me.

In my final year at uni, my course leader asked me if I was ok and I broke down in his office. He explained to me that many people struggle with mental health issues and its nothing to be ashamed of, he extended a deadline for me and I began to enjoy my uni life – there were no more secrets between us and he supported me through my two final major projects. I wish I had gone to him sooner.

In 2014, uni finished and felt like I had lost my purpose. So, there I was, at my lowest yet, graduated from a course that I probably shouldn’t have done, stuck in a dead end part-time job and my mind telling me on the daily that I was worth nothing. I had no hope of better for myself. This was the summer that everything changed for me, I started to take anti-depressants, but they weren’t the saviour I was hoping for, I felt rotten. The worst I have ever felt but when I felt good it was like I was floating through the clouds – I couldn’t even tell you my name, this was no life. It wasn’t real for me, the pills didn’t help, they just helped me forget.

So how did my life change that summer? I made a new friend. This person was my saving grace, he lifted me from a place that was incredibly dark and scary and infected me with his positivity and encouraged me to reach for the stars – in this case the stars were dumbbells, he introduced me to fitness. So, there I was, at 6am, about to step onto the treadmill for the first time – I’ve never felt a release like it. It turns out I was holding all my emotions on my shoulders, relying on some antidepressant pills to keep me going when all I needed was a nudge in the right direction and some encouragement from someone who wasn’t family. Over a 12-month period this person became my best friend, an older brother who picked me up when I was down and made me smile when I needed it most. I can’t even explain how much this person changed my life, I doubt he will ever know the impact he had on me – he saved me. I came off the anti-depressants and began to work on natural fixes for my depression through exercise and healthy diet.

At the end of 2014 he told me that he was going to be spending the summer in America working at a summer camp, the sudden feelings of anxiety and overwhelming depression came flooding back. I was like losing my friends all over again. I think he noticed this change in me and instead of telling me “you’ll be fine on your own” he said, “what’s stopping you from doing it too?” – that night I signed up to Camp America. A month later, we went to a Manchester CA recruitment fair and I got a job. That summer changed me, I learnt that my happiness comes from me and my choices. I made so many genuine friends, I was valued and recognised as a hard worker and I felt a part of something that was much bigger than me. For once in my life I felt valued and that I was capable. I learned an independence that I had never experienced before.

Between leaving camp and the start of 2018 were the years of discovery. I started to write a journal in my phone and I noticed patterns. My depressive episodes came after several things; an emotionally exhausting time - regardless of whether that was a happy or sad, a day of binge eating bad food and sugary drinks and if I feel under too much pressure from either work or personal life. Because of these patterns, I have learned to manage my mental health and I rarely have depressive episodes.

Fast forward to today and I’m in the best place I have ever been. I’ve opened up about my mental health to my friends and family via social media by posting some entries of my journal, I no longer have to hide. I am now in a healthy relationship with someone who respects and values me, I’m working in a job where I get to help people at the worst time of their life following a bereavement, my self-confidence is improving daily, and I know what I am worth. I’m not going to lie; my mental health story has been a battle – I was ashamed of my diagnosis but at the age of 25 I’m looking at my life with an entirely new perspective. Depression is just a word, I will not let my diagnosis define me.'

“Your life only gets better when you do. Work on yourself and the rest will follow”.