Iona

'A few weeks ago whilst on holiday, I shared a bikini picture on Instagram. I looked at the photo for a good long while before deciding to click ‘post’ - ooh-ing and aah-ing, deliberating, indecisive. The caption was the most honest piece of writing I’ve ever submitted into the void of social media, and I panicked wondering what people might think when they read it.

For as long as I can remember, I have been uncomfortable when it comes to my body. I haven’t been what you’d call slim since I was about 7 years old… an early developer, I was constantly self conscious – arms, legs, tummy, everything seemed bigger than it should be. Reading Megan Crabbe’s ‘Body Positive Power’, I was reminded of assemblies in primary school where I first realized that my thighs spread a little more than other people’s whilst sat cross legged each morning. I started to lift my legs up slightly off the ground, so as to avoid said spreading. There was a self-shaming that came early, even if at that point I wasn’t as aware of its origins as I am now.

At 9 years old I took a Tupperware filled with Special K into school for my lunch, determined to lose some of my ‘baby fat’ by doing their 2 week diet plan of eating nothing but the cereal. It was only recently that I thought back to this and saw it from an outside perspective for the first time. One of my best friends has a lovely niece who is the same age now as I was then, and when Sophie and I talked about the thought of her doing the same as I did, we were horrified.

Throughout school, I think its difficult not to compare yourself to your friends. In the little bubble that is adolescence, everything seems like a massive deal, and when you’re trying to figure out who you are the last thing you need is to spend every waking minute worrying over how you’re appearing to others. My wonderful friends never gave me cause to think they looked at me any differently for being a little larger, but I was transfixed on the fact that they all had the figures of supermodels and I, well, didn’t. I tried to copy their outfits, but the stuff they wore would just never look quite right on me. It took about 5 years of trying to be them before I realized that clothes are not one style suits all, and started accepting (and eventually embracing) my own style.

It’s exhausting. Sitting bolt upright and being complimented for your posture when in fact you’re just trying to suck in your stomach 24/7. Wearing as much black as possible, avoiding colour because it highlights your wobbly bits. Wearing five inch heels to sixth form every day because you want to look slimmer and having people ask ‘how do you do it??’

In a series of unexpected events, the real confidence boost came for me when I joined the university cheerleading squad. Being part of a community of women who support each other to the max and offer nothing but positivity, with the focus being on strength rather than waist size, was revolutionary to 18 year old me. I know that lots of other people have had similar experiences whereby university sports teams have boosted their mental health, and I truly believe that finding a sport that suits you (and people who want you to succeed) is one of the best things to come out of university.

There are a few pieces of advice that have really stuck with me over the past few years, and which I still have to remind myself of from time to time:

Step 1. Be kind to yourself. When you look in the mirror, think of 5 things you like about yourself rather than focusing on everything you hate. It becomes habit before long to focus on the positives.

Step 2. Unfollow people who make you feel insecure or like you’re not good enough on social media. Yes, I’m talking about that Instagram account that solely posts photoshopped pictures of size 0 models living their lives in bikinis.

Step 3. Take a step back every so often and think about everything you’re grateful for. Instead of thinking about what you wish you looked like, think about everything that you can do with your body (laughing being at the top of that list).

One thing that has changed significantly since my time at school is the use of social media. The addictive pings of MSN have been replaced with Instagram likes and Snapchat, and as we all know, these platforms can be toxic places if not used responsibly.

With the likes of Kim Kardashian posting adverts for appetite suppressant lollipops for the digital consumption of her millions of young fans, a big worry is the potential damage that the current shift to influencer marketing could do to impressionable children. Teaching young women, and men, to focus on health rather than image needs to start in primary schools… we need to take joint responsibility for making sure eating disorders and body dissatisfaction are no longer perpetuated by false images of false people selling unproven remedies for fatness. Slim does not equate to happy, and it shouldn’t need to take 10 years to realize that.

Of course I still have doubts and insecurities. I still have my moments where I spend too long comparing myself to others and feeling inadequate. But now they’re few and far between. I tend to focus more on which clothes I like rather than what will make me look thinner, have replaced my leg-lengthening heels with Reeboks (most days), and my relationships have improved because of my newfound self-love. Now I don’t worry about my friends and strangers thinking ‘she’s got tummy rolls’ or ‘she shouldn’t be wearing that’, I can spend all my energy on the things that actually matter.

Numbers do not define you. Whether that’s likes on an Instagram picture, a grade at school, or a looming digit on a scale… you are so much more. Focusing on who we are as people – our kindness, our friends and family, our passions, these are the real things that make us who we are.'

Iona's Instagram post: https://www.instagram.com/p/BkpEB52F0MD/?taken-by=ionamcleod_